Years ago at Genentech, I didn’t get along with one of my coworkers.
I found them shallow and arrogant. Worse, our responsibilities overlapped, and I didn’t trust them to share my scope of work.
This tension continued until our manager told me, “Everyone in the department can tell you two don’t get along. You’re both considered top talent, but the friction is getting in the way.”
“Fix it.”
As a leader, you WILL need to work with people you don’t resonate with. Unexpectedly, these relationships may turn out to be your most valuable alliances, perhaps because of—not in spite of—their different perspective.
How do you gain rapport with someone you just don’t click with?
The first step is to simply acknowledgment it – privately. There’s no use pretending the relationship is “fine” when you know deep down it isn’t. I bet we each have at least one person like that right now. If you have several, focus on the one with the greatest impact on your work.
Then, use these two approaches to build better connection:
The compassionate approach:
No matter how annoying, the person is just a person. They have things they love and things they worry about. A little get-to-know-you conversation can go a long way.
Behaving kindly isn’t surrendering your power, but wielding it effectively.
The strategic approach:
This person has something you need or can benefit you in some way. Conduct an audience analysis about them. What matters most to them? Can you provide that?
Think ahead to key interactions—board meetings, presentations—where they might become a temporary ally. Reach out to hear their thoughts and look for areas of agreement.
These strategies may not work for someone truly toxic or whom you fear will actively betray your trust. Yet I’ve found there’s a continuum between people we automatically connect with and those we never will. Many professional relationships fall somewhere in between.
And, leadership growth is often about expanding the space you feel comfortable in. If you improve relationships with just one or two key stakeholders, that progress will significantly increase your leadership impact.
Back to my old coworker – I wish I knew then what I know now. I did grudgingly start to acknowledge their input and include them in discussions.
Over time, our relationship evolved. We found ourselves on the same side of issues and projects, gradually becoming allies. We got to know each other better personally. The work relationship ended on a satisfying note, certainly better than what it would’ve been had my manager not addressed the issue.
Keep an open mind and what feels uncomfortable eventually becomes more natural—until your ability to work effectively with diverse personalities becomes a defining strength of your leadership toolkit.
And, it may help you in real life. I’m finishing this post while on vacation. Yesterday, we were on a group day tour, and one participant was annoyingly helping the guide troubleshoot an issue. My husband and I were rolling our eyes at their behavior, until I remembered the compassionate approach – everyone has something to offer.
I stifled the “outer critic”* and took their comments in stride. It turns out the initially annoying person was a really nice guy in the end. Just a little shift in perspective helped.
* Credit to my husband Greg for this great turn of phrase.
