There is no bad weather, only bad clothing.
I thought of this adage while taking a call from my car wearing a wool sweater and a long down coat, courtesy of the local Costco.
My phone mates were a bit shocked.
Is it cold there?
Well, yes… And no.
Formally, accurately, it was 23° F. In practice, after a few months in Colorado, I don’t notice anymore. I wear what it takes to stay warm.
That wasn’t always the case.
I was initially floored by the cold weather here. Outside, inside, I got chilled.
But the problem wasn’t the temperature, it was my feelings about it – the heightened sense of indignation.
“Why am I cold?”
“I shouldn’t be cold!”
“This isn’t how it’s supposed to be!”
At some point, I realized that these thoughts were more distracting and draining than the actual experience of being cold.
Judging the situation was where the extra suffering crept in.
It reminded me of a recent conversation with a coaching client. They’d come out of an unexpectedly difficult interaction with a colleague they respected and usually saw eye to eye with.
At first my client kept saying, “I don’t know why she said this!” “Why did the conversation go so badly?” “I can’t believe this is a problem!”
They were stuck in that same, judgy space between what happened and their ability to respond to it.
Here’s how I helped my client untangle their response, and how you might try it too.
1) Be clear on what actually happened
Stick to the data: It’s 23° outside. She did not agree with my proposal today. No interpretation yet, just facts.
2) Acknowledge your feelings about it
This might seem counterintuitive since it’s the feelings that are causing the suffering. But feelings dissipate faster when they’re named: “I feel angry that…” or “I feel disappointed that…”
3) Choose how to respond
List all the possibilities, even the unrealistic ones. (“Stay in bed all day” counts.). This will help you move from indignant reaction to thoughtful action.
So much of growth – and coaching – happens in that small space between the external event and your response to it. The good news is that mastering what happens in this space is exactly how change becomes possible.
Stay warm – whatever that means for you today.
