Don’t you hate that feeling of being left out?
Even – or especially – at work. The email thread you’re not on. The meeting that happens without you. The decision made in your absence.
Years ago, I joined a small company in a newly created role. I was eager to contribute and make an impact. But time after time, I’d learn about important updates after the fact.
When I finally raised the problem with my manager, he gave me a piece of advice that totally changed my perspective.
“Don’t confuse bad intentions with incompetence,” he said.
He didn’t actually mean my colleagues were incompetent. But everything we were doing was new and everyone was juggling a lot. Some things, like keeping me in the loop, were bound to slip.
That statement shifted something in me. I could see the situation more clearly and could stop assuming I’d been deliberately excluded.
But it didn’t stop the sting. I still felt unsettled. Being excluded evokes a lot of feelings.
It took me years and much reflection to recognize what was really happening: my identity was at risk.
When we feel left out, the mind quickly moves from “I missed an update” to something deeper: “Do I still belong here? Am I less competent than I thought? Did I lose credibility?”
The Insight
In Difficult Conversations, the authors describe three core parts of identity that are easily shaken:
“I’m a good person.”
“I’m competent.”
“I’m likable or valued.”
When any of those are threatened, even a small oversight can feel seismic.
I call that moment an identity quake – a sudden jolt to how we see ourselves.
And I see it often in the scientific leaders I coach.
Someone’s left off a meeting invite, or hears about a decision too late, and suddenly the reaction feels bigger than the situation. The experience has hit something central to who they believe they are.
Recognizing that difference changes everything.
When we know our identity has been shaken, we can steady ourselves before deciding what to do next.
What to Do
1. Name the quake.
Notice what you’re feeling – maybe hurt, irritated, or confused. Those reactions are real, even if the situation wasn’t intentional.
2. Check your identity.
Which part feels most at risk? Your competence? Your belonging? Your good intentions? Understanding that helps you respond rather than react.
3. Then act from clarity.
- Sometimes you realize it’s minor, and you can let it go.
- Sometimes you simply ask, “Can you keep me in the loop next time?”
- And sometimes, you have a larger conversation about what you need to be successful
When we combine both sides – awareness of what’s happening inside us and curiosity about what’s happening around us – we lead with more calm and steadiness.
Because leadership is often about just that: self-awareness and testing assumptions.
If you can do both, you not only recover faster from the identity quakes, you help others do the same.
The Takeaway
When you feel left out, or attacked and defensive about anything, check first for an “identity quake.”
It’s rarely about bad intentions, and more often an invitation to practice the kind of awareness that makes leaders really good ones.
